Jokes and Quotes

To help cheer you up while waiting for that loan modification
or short sale approval!

 Things You'll Probably Never Hear a Redneck Say

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe.
Professional wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
 I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR.
Give me the small bag of porkrinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
 Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-mart today.
 Trim the fat off that steak or I won't eat it!
  The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes MUCH better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee is registered at Tiffany.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey here's an episode of Hee Haw we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college football team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Checkmate.
Your Ad Here

Two Old Ladies in Church
One leans over to the other and says, "I think my butt is asleep." The other replies, "Yeah, I could hear it snoring a few minutes ago."

Real Estate Humor
An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.” He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a crumbled up ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”

Five Keys to a Great Real Estate Relationship
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job. 2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn't lie. 4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you. 5. It is important that these four men never meet.

EXTRACTS FROM ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO VARIOUS  HOUSING ASSOCIATIONS THROUGHOUT THE UK

“I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”

“I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”

“Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.”

“I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.”

“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.”

“Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.”

“I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”

“50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are just plan filthy.”

“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”

“Will you please send a man to look at my water - it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.”

“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”

“I want to complain about the farmer across the road.  Every morning at 6.00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.”

“The man next door has a large erection in the garden which is unsightly and dangerous.”

“Our kitchen floor is damp.  We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.”

“I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.”

“Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.”

“I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.”

“My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus on it.”

“He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.”






Why Exercise?

1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man escapes from a prison. As he is running down the street he cries, "I'm free, I'm free!" Overhearing him is a little girl who says, "Big deal. I'm four."
--------------------------
Q: Three men are standing under an umbrella. A tall man, a short man and a medium-sized man. The umbrella has a hole in it. Which man gets wet?
Note: You'll find the answer down below under the "illegally parked frog" joke. Keep scrolling down!
Wife: "I can't decide whether I should go to a palmist or a mind reader."
Husband: "Go to a palmist. It's obvious you have one."
Q: What do you get if you cross a karate instructor with a pig?
A: A pork chop!
Q: What did the young lady tell the zombie?
A: Get a life!
Customer to waiter: "Excuse me, but did the woman who took my order leave any family?"
Q: What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
A: Nacho cheese.
Q: What do you get if you cross a clown with a goat?                
A: A silly billy.
Q: Why was the mommy dog mad at the daddy dog?
A: Because he wolfed down his food.
Q: What do you call a little cat carved out of wood?
A: A whittle kitty.
Q: What did the hot dog say when it won the race?
A: I'm a wienner!
Q: What do you call a bull that is sleeping?
A: A bulldozer
Q: What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle's back?
A: Wheeee!
Q: Why did the chicken with dusty feathers cross the road and then come back and cross the road again?
A: Because it was a dirty double crosser!
Q: What did the boy octupus say to the girl octupus?
A: I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand,hand!
Irish Real Estate Humor
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home..' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Signs That You and/or Your Family Are On the Computer Way Too Much
Q: What room in your house is a mummy afraid of?
A: The living room!
-------------------------------------
There was once a blonde whose house was robbed and ransacked, so she dialed 911 and demanded that the dispatcher send out a patrol car IMMEDIATELY. The dispatcher told the blonde that the only patrol car near her home was a canine car. The blonde yelled, "J-9 or K-9, I don't care, just send him over!" The dispatcher placed the call and the K-9 officer said that he'd be willing to check out the scene. Yet when the blonde saw the canine officer get out of the car and walk toward her house with his German shepherd on leash, she wailed, "Just my luck! My house gets robbed and ransacked and they send me a blind policeman!"
Another Dumb Blonde Joke
A blonde walks into an appliance store and says, "I would like to buy that T.V. please." The store clerk replies, "I'm sorry, we don't do business with blondes." So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said, "I would like to buy that T.V. please." The store clerk, once again, replies, " Sorry, we don't do business with blondes."
 The blonde replied "How did you know I was blonde?"
The clerk says "Because thats a microwave, not a T.V."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Eddie.
Eddie who?
Eddie-body home?
------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to complain.
"sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
"I heard a noise" =I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going
to like.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
MEN'S ENGLISH:
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
-------------------Funny Come-back Lines for Women---------------------------
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "Hey baby. What's your sign?"
Woman: "DO NOT ENTER"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good,let's start with your bank account."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the man say when he introduced the hamburger?
A: Meet patty.
Q: What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed?
A: We're too young. We cantaloupe.
Q: What do you call a cow without legs?
A: Ground beef.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                           What Men Really Mean

When a guy says, "I'm going fishing"... this really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety."

When a guy says, "It's a guy thing" .. He really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

When a guy asks: "Can I help with dinner?" - what he really means is:"How come dinner isn't already on the table?"

When a guy says, "Yes dear" - What he really means is absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

When a man states: "It takes too long to explain." - What he really means is:"I have no idea how it works."

When a guy says: "Take a break honey, you're working too hard." ...What he really means is:"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

When a man states: "This is women's work." ... What he really means is: "This work is dirty, difficult and thankless."

When a guy says: "I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." ... What he really means is: "The girl selling them was a real babe."

When a guy says: "I was listening to you, it's just that I've got things on my mind" ...What he really means is: "I was wondering if that blonde over there is wearing a bra."

and finally...

When a man says, "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." What he really means is:"No one will ever see us alive again!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.
The answer to the riddle is: none of the men gets wet. Why? Because it isn't raining!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three bestfriends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob Saget

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom & Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" --John Mendoza
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                 Funny Telephone Answer Machine Recordings

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi, this is George. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do witches like to send greeting cards?

A: To show they scare.

Q: What did the writer name her daughter?

A: Paige.

Q: What do you call a boomarang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Butcher.

Butcher who?

Butcher arms around me, mommy!

Q: What does an eight-hundred pound mouse say?

A: Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Irish.

Irish who?

Irish I had a million dollars!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When

You help your dog chase its tail.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Starbucks owns the mortgage to your home.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

All your kids are named "Joe"or "Java".

You chew on other people's fingernails.

Last time you got a good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin.

You get pulled over for speeding, and you don't even have a car!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why were the little strawberries sad? A: Because their parents were in a jam.

Q: What's the name of Darth Vader's wife? A: Ela - vader. (Get it? Elavator?)

Q: What did Obee-Wan-Konobie say to Luke at the dinner table? A: "Use the fork, Luke."

        
                                        

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 10 Best Things to Say if You're Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10) They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
9) This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time
      management course you sent me to.
8) Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You got here just in time!
7) I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm.
6) I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
5) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
4) Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem.
3) The coffee machine is broken.
2) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

And the number One best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk?
1) "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Performance Evaluations

The following are actual quotes from British Performance Evaluators kindly provided by R. Partington.

1) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiousity."

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."

4) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

5) "She sets low performance standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them."

6) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

7) "This employee is depriving a village, somewhere, of an idiot."

8) "She is as bright as Alaska in December."

9) "One cell organisms out-score him on IQ tests."

10) "He is so dense, light bends around him."

11) "If he were more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week."      and finally...

12) "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everybody, Somebody, Nobody & Anybody

Once upon a time, there were four people;their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody. Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it. So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Wings Joke

A man died and went to heaven. Waiting in line at St. Peter's gate, he noticed that there were people with wings of different shapes and sizes. Some had large, incredibly beautiful wings, while other people sported small, dinky, and somewhat dingy wings. "I wonder what they did on earth to deserve those puny wings?" he wondered aloud.

A man standing behind him whispered: "I understand that the wings you receive are based upon what you did in your past lifetime on earth. I was a bus driver, myself. I wonder what sort of wings I'll be getting?"

The first man shrugged his shoulders, and wished the bus driver well. The line for wings was rather long and by the time he finally met with St. Peter, he was visibly surprised when St. Peter presented him with a small, sad, dingy pair of wings. They looked like the smallest wings in heaven! Turning his head, he was surprised to see that the bus driver had received the largest, most beautiful wings in all of heaven.

"But...I don't get it, why am I getting these little wings?" he complained.

St. Peter only shrugged. "Your wings are based on the work you did while on earth."

"But that doesn't make sense! I was a Minister of God. I was the Pastor of a church," the man sputtered. "That man over there was a bus driver! And just look at his wings!"

"God works in mysterious ways, but there's always logic behind it," St. Peter explained. "You see, when you did your work in church nobody really listened or took action. But when that bus driver did his work, everybody prayed!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rich Man in Heaven

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
       An angel, hearing his plea, appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." "Please, I've done so much good in my life with my money, " the man implored. "Speak with God, I beg you. I know that He might bend the rules for me."

The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man took all of his money out of the bank and turned it into gold bars. Then, he gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with the pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase, Peter said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

"But I have permission from God!", the man explained. "You can verify my story with the Lord."

Sure enough, Peter checked and came back to the rich man. "You're right," Peter agreed. "You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and seemed genuinely surprised as he exclaimed, "You brought pavement?!!"

                                                                            
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Joke for Golfers

      A man playing golf hit one deep into the woods. Looking for the ball, he found a leprechaun. The leprechaun said, "Since you found me I'll give you three wishes." The man thought a bit and said, "Thank you, but I'm really satisfied with my life and I don't have any desire or need for wishes."
      The leprechaun was so impressed that when the man left, he said to himself, "That's such a good man, I'll give him three wishes anyway. Let's see. First, since he plays golf, I'll grant that he will play excellent golf and always make par. Second, I'll grant that he'll always have enough money for whatever purpose he wants. And third, I'll grant that he'll have a great sex life."  A year later, the man is on that golf course again and the leprechaun accosts him. "How are you and how have you been?"

     "I guess I'm OK, thank you."
     "Have you had a good year?"
     "Well, sort of up and down. My golf game is tremendous now...I always can make par. And I seem to be doing very well financially. Whenever something comes up, as for example when my car broke down and I needed a new one,money always seems to come my way."

     "So, what's the problem?"
     "I got kicked out of the priesthood."

 

back to home